Still Searching For Answers…

In a month, I will turn 29. I remember wanting to desperately grow up when I was younger. And now, not any more. Because, as a woman, I still haven’t found answers to so many questions, that my mind is a perpetual haze of confusing contradictions!

When she wanted to eat that pack of chips alone in her room,
Was she doing that for sheer pleasure of solitude while eating her favourite snack, or was she being a glutton?

When she wanted to dress up in her bright red gown and wear her shiny shoes,
Did she want to just look nice, or was she being slutty and obsessive about vanity and looks?

When she wanted to dress up in her slouchy tees and baggy pants,
Was I in awe of how beautiful she looked, or was I being just being judgemental?

When she turned 15 and still wanted to have a wrestling match with her brother,
Did she just want to have some fun time with her elder sibling, or was she trying to be all too cool and tomboyish?

When she stepped out for the evening party with her friends (boys & girls),
Was she indulging herself to some good time with friends, or was she being unnecessarily extravagant and lavish?

When she toured the world alone after marriage,
Was she trying to be independent or was she thinking only about herself?

When she decided to get married late in her life,
Was she waiting for the right guy/career/time, or was she being arrogantly ambitious?

When she decided to pursue her higher education at 30,
Was she trying to build her future, or is was becoming selfish and arrogant?

When she went back to work, leaving her baby home with a nanny,
Was she balancing multiple roles well, or was she uncaring enough to leave her infant home?

When she decided with her husband to live separately from her in-laws,
Was she leading her own personal life while still caring for them, or was she being selfish?

When she continued to hang out with her guy friends even after marriage,
Was she trying to be honest in her friendship, or was she simply getting ‘distracted’?

The questions are endless. And the answers are gray. Some are right. Some are wrong. Some are neither. And that is why, I am still searching for answers. All I know is we come with a package. We may sign up for a baking class, not to make our husbands happy, but for our own pleasure. We may cook multiple dishes, not because the kitchen is where we belong, but we would like to experiment. We may pack our bags to explore the world, not because we are running away from responsibilities, but we would like to see new places and experience new cultures. We may work till we are 25 or 45 or 65. We may do our PhD when we are 25 or 45 or 65. We may get married early or late. We may have babies when we are young or old.

Because, it doesn’t matter. All that should matter is we are happy with what we do. So, should I still be searching for answers?